A confession

Here are some slightly redacted notes I made by the fire on Monday night.

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I’m completely brickwalled

AND

I’M

NOT

SURE

I’M

NOT

OK

WITH

THAT.

I want that drive back.

I want to

want to

write music.

BUT

is it only to prove myself?

To win?

To win some kind of “competition” with/in the universe, to be able to say to the U — [redacted] U — I got something down that you have to pay attention to? But as one of the boys says in The Lion in Winter

When the fall is all there is, it matters.

Otherwise, I feel more like Galadriel — I have passed the test — I will fade and go into the West.

Is that where I am?

…

If that’s where I am,
then why should I
not want to be?

This is a lesson to be learned.